The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round...

Well as the wheels on the bug go round and round my head keeps spinning. The spontaneity of this trip makes me so happy and I know its sooo short term... I feel like I'm flinging myself at an oncoming 18 wheeler. I see an upcoming collision, but somehow I'm okay with it and I don't know why.

I guess I've just always been one of those people who sees the good in every bad and sees experience from failure. More than that I guess I'm just used to this big let down we call life.

But there are people out there and certainly in this bus who have it worse than me... I wish I could just hug her and make everything okay... Even people who deserve the world get hurt, I definitely shoudnt be expecting very much.

Well those are my bus thoughts...
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Ask, Won't Tell. Don't Ask, Won't Say. I'll Be Fine When It's Over. Trust

The words to the feelings I have are inexpressible, ground up into the deepest tracks of my system, refusing to give up their sources. I sit alone, confused, in a deep, dark place of inexplicability, deeper, deeper, dug.

No desire to be six feet under, but even less will to be 5 foot 5 above. Goes on life, without me, unstoppable powers, time is weary, so am I. Make it stop, stop the clock.

Afraid to feel, even more of getting hurt. Cut off, only shoulders drenched with tears available, the only pain I feel. Others, only of others. Never of my own, a wounded heart brought to the brink and back. Fix me. Save me. Wake me.

Classes go by, a week or so gone, skipped. Lost. As am I. liquid surprises, nothing concrete. As always, busy, too busy. Save me. Please. Busy. Story of my life. Where’s everyone? Here. For you, not. Yes. No. sleep time. Please…?

Empty words. Filled with sarcasm. The pain builds, I’m in deeper. Love, it’s only love. Physicalities are impossible. See it, don’t you see. Want, so bad, unreal, it is. My hand, grab. Falling. Catch it. my head hurts, better. Kiss, yes. No. please. Fine.

Strings of words. Sense, of course, why?, none. Further, fall, further, deep. This is me. Save me please. 

I Am No Longer Bored (Unfortunately It's Too Temporary)

Somewhere along the lines I've lost the ability to have fun on my own... Now I know that sounds dirty in some uber soft porn kind of way but I'm talking about that boring life that has recently overpowered my will to be social..

In recent days; however, I've had nothing but fun with V back in town... Its like all the pieces of my life have finally fallen back into place and make sense again... I hate that my anchor is in Boston but I couldn't be more proud that dreams sometimes come true.

I guess what it all comes down to is that she's there and I'm here and somehow I need to get my life back together... I guess I've just been scared this whole time thinking that in moving on and making friends I'd lose her... But now I know better after everything we've been through and done together since my trip to Boston I'd have to be crazy to think that best friendship like ours could dissolve so easily...

Now if only I knew where to start.
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Surprise Suprise, Look Who's In Town

Sooo... You never know how much you miss someone until they show up at a party you never intended to stay at..
Its a true story - last night was JKlu's bday at KOKO MacBaby and I had about zero intention of staying through appetizers until a certain best friend of mine who currently resides in boston crashed the party as a surprise.
I HATE surprises but this is the best one I could have gotten. So after a night of drunken fun and catching up... I realize just how much I miss her... A whole lot.
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When Words Aren't Enough

It's sometimes too hard to fit the words all onto one line,

into one meaning, into one look, into one embrace.

It's sometimes too hard to say what you feel,

all in one way, all in one look, all in one frown.

But sometimes you find that one person, 

the one person who requires no words,

no expression of your feelings, no looks, no embraces.

Just knows you, and appreciates you for who you are.

That one person is worth hanging onto. No matter what,

no matter why, no matter when, always.

Bi-Directional Miserable Love

Sooo.. I got through my week of hell and now I'm in semi-sunny Florida. No need to be jealous though because I'm cramped into a 1500 square foot appartment with three other people I cant stand. Now, on all usual accounts that wouldn't seem sooo terrible, I mean I'm in Florida after all but there's just something about having been here over 50 times in the last 19 years... with another 2 trips planned within the next 5 months. I mean... I ~LOVE~ Florida when my parents and snotty sister arent the only people I see... but seeing as how that's a non-negotiable option this trip, I'm miserable!!! 

On top of it I miss V, a lot. I spoke to her last night for a long time on BBIM but it's just not the same as chilling in my car, going for dinner, ice cream trips and shopping experiences. It just doesnt compare. Either way November 7th is around the corner and I couldn't be ANY more excited for it :)

So... yeah I felt the need to post - I felt slightly guilty for not having posted since Tuesday.

A Little Bit of This and a Little Bit of That

So it's another wonderful PostSecret Sunday!!!! Another secret obviously amazed me today because it hit close to home:

Brilliant? I know. Way to go mom and dad.

This kind of brings me back to a blogpost I DIDNT make about my fight with Big Momma earlier this week. Basically, Big Poppa was an asshole and I called him out on it, and then Hot Shot yelled at Big Momma for no reason and made her cry. Anywhooo... I basically bullied her into talking about her feelings and bitched about how 19 years later she's still totally incapable of communicating... and furthermore, that because of her inability to express herself to me, that she didn't deserve a chance to come into the Psych Warden's office to "therapize". Anyhow we managed to have a 45 minute talk/semi-screaming match. I guess I'm on my way to that fresh start I've fantasized about! New outlook is working, woo hoo!

So Ryan has 218 hits as of this second on his video. Thanks to all the people who went to the link :). Uncle Steven thinks he can get 100 000 hits and then Ry will be on Jay Leno. He even offered to make sure that I got on the show. ha! as if!

So... I spoke to Lex today! I havent spoken to that cutie in a loooong time, anyways, her marks are still high in school and she's excited for us to be coming down in a few weeks :) I'm so not excited for anything other than to enjoy the warm weather and see my cousins :D everything else is going to be hellish. I mean really? The Adam's family in a <2000 condo =" death.">

Another Florida issue - the Concordia tentative exam schedule states that my Research Methods exam is Friday, December 19th at 7 until 10 pm. Shit sucks cause I've got plane tickets to Florida that day leaving at 4:45 pm. what to do what to do!?!?!

So my soccer girls didn't show up today, piled on top of Emerson's gross incompetence, can we say, Lauren's supa-pissed? I think so!!!! It looks like we'll be defaulting the season. Sexy!

Needless to say, V is coming home in a few hours and I couldn't be more excited. I miss her face more than anything else in this world. I'm SO incredibly happy to see her AHHHH words don't express this feeling. It's been nearly a month! I'm dying!

Peace and Love. Peace and Love.

Musings are Done... Moving Along

Well now that my Musings posts one and two are done [edit: they've been moved to a separate blog: click here to check it out] and out of the way I can get back to the reason I really started this blog: get all mushy with myself and figure shit out. Although it was tons of fun to make up nicknames and be all clever. Maybe I'll throw it in from time to time to jazz up the place.

Speaking of jazzing up, I seriously need to clean my room. It's starting to look like a pigs pen and quite frankly, it's a terrible (and inaccurate) reflection of who I am. Typically, I'm detail-oriented, neat, organized and anal beyond belief. Somehow those traits dont carry over to the cleanliness of my room. Not sure why.

Moving further along, I really miss V. Seriously girl, get that cute tush back to me. I miss your face like nothing else. I need some spontaneity and God knows what else. I feel like I'm in a serious rut here. It's probably just lack of sleep with a sprinkle of depression and over-worked brain syndrome. A few chilled-out days will probably help and seeing as how I'm not working Monday-Thursday I should be fine. 

Something tells me I'm going to have a grilling session with the Psych Warden tomorrow. I must say I'm really looking forward to it though. I need to get this crap out of me before it eats me alive and it seems to be working. Thank F'n God.

Anyhow, it's getting kinda late - and by late getting I mean it's already late. Like 2:20 AM late and I want to get back to a normal sleep schedule aka 1:15 AM. So I should probably get off this super addictive Online Public Kvetch-site. Tomorrow's a new day and I intend to make the best of it with a new outlook on life. I promise to post all about it in the PM.

What Would I Do Without You?

For a really long time the PostSecret picture below was my laptop background. You may have noticed I said was. That is because it has been replaced.For as long as I can remember, that picture symbolized my biggest fear in life: that I would be missed by no one, loved by no one and remembered by no one. Moreover, I worried that I hadn't made a big enough impact on my friends. To the point that moving on without me wouldn't be a big problem. I guess the past few weeks have really changed all that. My best friend, V, the person I rely on the most in this world, the person who understands me like no one else, puts up with me like no one else and makes me laugh and cry like no one else, left me to pursue her dreams at college. The night before V left, as I gave her that final hug goodbye it suddenly dawned on me that it wasn't really a goodbye. Her "absence" would be a testament to how strong our friendship really was. What better test is there than long distance? None. Either we keep in touch or we don't, there are no other options, no guarantees and certainly no apology that would repair what could potentially be lost. All the years of worrying about the outcome of our friendship, will it last? won't it last? come down to the next few months of us being apart, not the past six years of us being close by. It amazed me that I could have gotten this all wrong. For years, I had believed that actions speak louder than words, yet I had never practiced what I preached. Over the years, I would always beg and plead to know if V thought our friendship would make it, every fight I would ask and get a standardized answer, "yeah, of course, why not?". Those words always seemed hollow, understated, and insincere and now I finally know why! I needed the proof, the concereteness of the evidence to justify her statement. All I can say is this. Our friendship has never proved to be as strong as it is now. Seeing her attempts to make this work despite the 300 miles between us, makes me feel like the next few months won't be so bad, that our friendship will not only survive but strengthen in each other's absences. The facebook messages, the text messages and the msn conversations have yet to cease, and so our friendship remains strong as ever.As I bid farewell to the laptop background that haunted my fears and left me feeling weak and vulnerable, I surrender myself to the text message that made them vanish:

"Thx for being there for me I wouldn't be able to do all this without u ttyl."

And V?, I couldn't have gotten this far without you either. Good luck at EC, I'm rooting for you.