AWKWARD

Here's the scene: the members of the Shapiro family are all sitting nicely around a coffee table playing scrabble and Grey's Anatomy happens to be on tv in the background.

I'm not exactly paying attention to which episode it is, figuring it's like last week's or whatever. little do I know Erica is about to have her crazy emotional COMING OUT cry-fest with Callie. I mean really!!! So my father's watching and trying to figure out who she's sleeping with cause he obviously doesn't watch Grey's and he's a little taken aback seeing as how his semi-out daughter is sitting to his right. So I keep texting on my phone trying to pretend I'm oblivious to the RAINBOW FEST that's playing "out" on the tv about 2 feet away from me.. when... I happen to look up and catch my sister trying to guage my father's reaction. LIKE HELLO. I know what that look means. She sees me watching her and immediately goes back to typing on her laptop obviously telling one of her friends about the drama unfolding.

THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME.

Seriously, I decided early today that I wanted to try and make my family less World War II-esque and more Brady Bunch... for what reason? 19 years later means its long overdue. There's enough family drama between my cousins and aunts to last me a lifetime, let's try to keep it "all in the family" if you know what I mean. Either way I figured it be nice bonding time playing scrabble, which it was, until... the gay celebration trampeded right through.

So yeah... it totally made things awkward, especially since lil sis doesnt know I'm out, although she's probably guessed by now. I'm also thinking she's dawning some rainbow stripes too. So EPIC fail to that attempt. SERIOUSLY.

Ask, Won't Tell. Don't Ask, Won't Say. I'll Be Fine When It's Over. Trust

The words to the feelings I have are inexpressible, ground up into the deepest tracks of my system, refusing to give up their sources. I sit alone, confused, in a deep, dark place of inexplicability, deeper, deeper, dug.

No desire to be six feet under, but even less will to be 5 foot 5 above. Goes on life, without me, unstoppable powers, time is weary, so am I. Make it stop, stop the clock.

Afraid to feel, even more of getting hurt. Cut off, only shoulders drenched with tears available, the only pain I feel. Others, only of others. Never of my own, a wounded heart brought to the brink and back. Fix me. Save me. Wake me.

Classes go by, a week or so gone, skipped. Lost. As am I. liquid surprises, nothing concrete. As always, busy, too busy. Save me. Please. Busy. Story of my life. Where’s everyone? Here. For you, not. Yes. No. sleep time. Please…?

Empty words. Filled with sarcasm. The pain builds, I’m in deeper. Love, it’s only love. Physicalities are impossible. See it, don’t you see. Want, so bad, unreal, it is. My hand, grab. Falling. Catch it. my head hurts, better. Kiss, yes. No. please. Fine.

Strings of words. Sense, of course, why?, none. Further, fall, further, deep. This is me. Save me please. 

Surprise Suprise, Look Who's In Town

Sooo... You never know how much you miss someone until they show up at a party you never intended to stay at..
Its a true story - last night was JKlu's bday at KOKO MacBaby and I had about zero intention of staying through appetizers until a certain best friend of mine who currently resides in boston crashed the party as a surprise.
I HATE surprises but this is the best one I could have gotten. So after a night of drunken fun and catching up... I realize just how much I miss her... A whole lot.
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