Ask, Won't Tell. Don't Ask, Won't Say. I'll Be Fine When It's Over. Trust

The words to the feelings I have are inexpressible, ground up into the deepest tracks of my system, refusing to give up their sources. I sit alone, confused, in a deep, dark place of inexplicability, deeper, deeper, dug.

No desire to be six feet under, but even less will to be 5 foot 5 above. Goes on life, without me, unstoppable powers, time is weary, so am I. Make it stop, stop the clock.

Afraid to feel, even more of getting hurt. Cut off, only shoulders drenched with tears available, the only pain I feel. Others, only of others. Never of my own, a wounded heart brought to the brink and back. Fix me. Save me. Wake me.

Classes go by, a week or so gone, skipped. Lost. As am I. liquid surprises, nothing concrete. As always, busy, too busy. Save me. Please. Busy. Story of my life. Where’s everyone? Here. For you, not. Yes. No. sleep time. Please…?

Empty words. Filled with sarcasm. The pain builds, I’m in deeper. Love, it’s only love. Physicalities are impossible. See it, don’t you see. Want, so bad, unreal, it is. My hand, grab. Falling. Catch it. my head hurts, better. Kiss, yes. No. please. Fine.

Strings of words. Sense, of course, why?, none. Further, fall, further, deep. This is me. Save me please. 

Bleed Just to Know You're Alive

Alright, I know I'm trying to attempt the impossible here but bear with me. Last night's blogpost followed a devastating fight. A fight that by all other accounts would have ripped me to shreds, catapulted me from one hemisphere to the other, made we want to surrender the shattered pieces of my heart to a higher power; however, for the first time in who knows how long, that wasn't it. These overpowering, intensely frustratingly painful feelings didnt overcome me. Instead I felt peacefully numb, that eerie numb when you sit and you wonder how you arent slitting your wrists, punching holes in the wall or experimenting with drugs... the numbness that allows you to just BE. To just sit in your own misery and to not feel it. And for the first time in so many years, I was perfectly content with that.

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

And you bleed just to know you're alive

Now, these lyrics aren't God's word, nor are they the word of a brilliant man like Ghandi, but more the words that make sense of my life, speak the pain I can't describe but feel, and move me with the fiercest of intensities. These are the words of the Goo Goo Dolls, the band that has seen me through endless tragedy, trauma and drama. These words depict the feelings I just want to scream, bellow from the tip of the highest mountain and leap off with into the horizons. These are the words that speak from my soul and berate the deepest cavities of my heart with tiny swords screaming for entry to the depths of my being. 

Now, I could sit here and line by line parallel my life to the truest words I've ever sung or I can simply state: 

The feeling I'm experiencing is like no other feeling I've ever felt or pretended to describe. Words are no longer accurate, filled with inobtrusive misdirection. I am hollow, I am weak, I am alone, I am in denial, I am in pain, I am let down, I have been lied to, I have been misguided, I have been torched, I have been emptied, I have been ripped apart, but in the end I am me... I should have seen this coming, I should have predicted, assumed, a forethought I allowed to slip by me. This is no one's fault but my own, I let my self down. Ignited by the flames of love, loyalty and friendship, I have burnt myself with my own accelerant. The irony screams itself into the core of my soul. I am to blame. Me. Alone. 

The Goo Goo Dolls are my healers, their words breathe the life back into my life, they patch up the holes, they mend my spirit, and eventually, my world will regain its soul... a good song on repeat tends to do that for me.