The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round...

Well as the wheels on the bug go round and round my head keeps spinning. The spontaneity of this trip makes me so happy and I know its sooo short term... I feel like I'm flinging myself at an oncoming 18 wheeler. I see an upcoming collision, but somehow I'm okay with it and I don't know why.

I guess I've just always been one of those people who sees the good in every bad and sees experience from failure. More than that I guess I'm just used to this big let down we call life.

But there are people out there and certainly in this bus who have it worse than me... I wish I could just hug her and make everything okay... Even people who deserve the world get hurt, I definitely shoudnt be expecting very much.

Well those are my bus thoughts...
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Ask, Won't Tell. Don't Ask, Won't Say. I'll Be Fine When It's Over. Trust

The words to the feelings I have are inexpressible, ground up into the deepest tracks of my system, refusing to give up their sources. I sit alone, confused, in a deep, dark place of inexplicability, deeper, deeper, dug.

No desire to be six feet under, but even less will to be 5 foot 5 above. Goes on life, without me, unstoppable powers, time is weary, so am I. Make it stop, stop the clock.

Afraid to feel, even more of getting hurt. Cut off, only shoulders drenched with tears available, the only pain I feel. Others, only of others. Never of my own, a wounded heart brought to the brink and back. Fix me. Save me. Wake me.

Classes go by, a week or so gone, skipped. Lost. As am I. liquid surprises, nothing concrete. As always, busy, too busy. Save me. Please. Busy. Story of my life. Where’s everyone? Here. For you, not. Yes. No. sleep time. Please…?

Empty words. Filled with sarcasm. The pain builds, I’m in deeper. Love, it’s only love. Physicalities are impossible. See it, don’t you see. Want, so bad, unreal, it is. My hand, grab. Falling. Catch it. my head hurts, better. Kiss, yes. No. please. Fine.

Strings of words. Sense, of course, why?, none. Further, fall, further, deep. This is me. Save me please. 

The Rut I Call Home

So I've pretty much stopped posting about the relevant issues in my life and focused more on the irrelevant, I tend to do that when I get sick of focusing on myself so here is a sincere attempt to regain focus on the topics that the Psych Patient Profiles were supposed to be about. 

Lately I've been wondering what my life would be like if retrospect came first. I mean, what if we had the chance to see the consequences of our actions before we did anything? Would life be more enjoyable? less enjoyable? or any different? 

I guess I've been questioning a lot of the decisions I've made in my life:

drop a friend, pick a few friends up, drive around the city for no apparent reason, skip a class. eat an extra meal, sneak an extra snack, spend ridiculously, rat myself out, make impulsive decisions, start a fight, provoke a parent, piss off a sibling, watch too much tv, ignore my homework, put off sleep, you know... the usual. I guess I've been wondering if I've made the right decisions or if I've mostly made the wrong ones.

This all comes in light of receiving a higher credit line, spending more than I can afford and wanting to spend even more. Now I'm not working myself into a hole, because with an extra two weeks I'd be able to pay it all off, but what is it about money that makes all the lines get fuzzy, blurry and disappear like the sun sets over the hill? 

I've been hanging onto things I don't have... reaching for things I dont see but most of all wanting what I simply cant have... and it sucks. Bottom of the wallowing in self-pity pitt is not a cool place to hang out for long periods of time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been super down lately. Happy to be by myself yet miserable at the same time, no desire to make plans, yet wanting to be out and doing something fun and exciting. I've resumed living in my rut, the most comforting place in the world.

In my rut, no one can hurt me, phase me, touch me, excite me, encourage me, convince me or betray me. I am on my own, so very alone. The comfort of it all is just too tempting sometimes. Yet there's always that big part of me that fights for it, when that tiny little part claws to get out more, see my friends, experience life and get hurt trying to have fun. 

Lately, I just dont have the energy, I dont have the passion for life or the determination to get from one day to the next. 

A class skipped is a few extra hours of sleep. An extra hour of TV is a postponed hour of work and thereby a postponed hour of sleep. I'm in a cycle I just cant break, I'm too comfortable here but scared I'll get stuck. After all, that's why it's called a rut. 

There's a reason why there's an expression about life in the fastlane that I don't know the words to... I wouldnt know what life in the fast lane is like, I'm happy to hang onto the shoulder of the road and never move forward. I'm not scared, I just dont like change. Change has just never worked in my favor. Ever.

So here's to embracing life, escaping my rut, taking chances, making mistakes, and forgetting about pre-retrospect options ever existing. Life should be worthwhile and I'm determined to make it so.

Bleed Just to Know You're Alive

Alright, I know I'm trying to attempt the impossible here but bear with me. Last night's blogpost followed a devastating fight. A fight that by all other accounts would have ripped me to shreds, catapulted me from one hemisphere to the other, made we want to surrender the shattered pieces of my heart to a higher power; however, for the first time in who knows how long, that wasn't it. These overpowering, intensely frustratingly painful feelings didnt overcome me. Instead I felt peacefully numb, that eerie numb when you sit and you wonder how you arent slitting your wrists, punching holes in the wall or experimenting with drugs... the numbness that allows you to just BE. To just sit in your own misery and to not feel it. And for the first time in so many years, I was perfectly content with that.

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

And you bleed just to know you're alive

Now, these lyrics aren't God's word, nor are they the word of a brilliant man like Ghandi, but more the words that make sense of my life, speak the pain I can't describe but feel, and move me with the fiercest of intensities. These are the words of the Goo Goo Dolls, the band that has seen me through endless tragedy, trauma and drama. These words depict the feelings I just want to scream, bellow from the tip of the highest mountain and leap off with into the horizons. These are the words that speak from my soul and berate the deepest cavities of my heart with tiny swords screaming for entry to the depths of my being. 

Now, I could sit here and line by line parallel my life to the truest words I've ever sung or I can simply state: 

The feeling I'm experiencing is like no other feeling I've ever felt or pretended to describe. Words are no longer accurate, filled with inobtrusive misdirection. I am hollow, I am weak, I am alone, I am in denial, I am in pain, I am let down, I have been lied to, I have been misguided, I have been torched, I have been emptied, I have been ripped apart, but in the end I am me... I should have seen this coming, I should have predicted, assumed, a forethought I allowed to slip by me. This is no one's fault but my own, I let my self down. Ignited by the flames of love, loyalty and friendship, I have burnt myself with my own accelerant. The irony screams itself into the core of my soul. I am to blame. Me. Alone. 

The Goo Goo Dolls are my healers, their words breathe the life back into my life, they patch up the holes, they mend my spirit, and eventually, my world will regain its soul... a good song on repeat tends to do that for me.

"Grief is like the ocean..."

As we all know One Tree Hill was beyond sad tonight. What you might not all know is that I bawled like a baby for the last 6.5 minutes straight. More importantly, a line struck me as pivotal tonight and I absolutely insist on exploring it. 

"Grief is like the ocean, stronger, deeper and bigger than us" (or something along those lines anyhow). Quite frankly I dont think I can imagine anything truer than those few words.

For so many years I've battled my grief, one loss after another padded with the torment of my own mind rehashing the events and the details over and over again. The pain feels like needles scratching for entry to my veins, diving and missing, insisting on second chances. 

Writing this blog is hurting my head filled with visions of a past I shouldn't dare re-enter.