New Year's Resolutions

1. Take life as it is, let be and stop fighting the flow.
2. Actually put effort into school and become the A student I am.
3. Take advantage of my savings account.
4. Become a better version of myself - physically, mentally and emotionally.
5. Do something that matters.

As the New Year approached I took advantage of the notion that 2008 would be put to rest and 2009 would be something new, fresh and worthy of change. Despite poor reception and an inability to communicate via telephone I managed to have a conversation I've been meaning and needing to have with the one person whose conversations matter to me. In spite of a 5 hour time difference, an ocean, participation in a scrabble game and guests over I had a conversation I will never forget.

I made my point, well argued, well said, emotion counterbalanced with clarity, logic and reason without instigating a fight. Point made, taken and respected. Answered fully, to the point and positively. It went fantastically, I had a great feeling about 2009, and I was right.

We agreed that things could be smoother, that change was necessary and would be beneficial, most importantly, together it would be done. I've waited so long for that understanding, the mutual acceptance and responsibility to be allocated to both parties. It felt good. Really, truly great.

I have to stop feeling like an immovable object is meeting an unstoppable force, friendship runs deep and can't be quantified, measured or analyzed. It needs to be and this realization spurred my first new year's resolution. I need to take that stance in more aspects of my life.

My second resolution roots in the fact that I've gotten 2/3 marks back, with no intention of bragging (not that my marks are fabulous) I've received a B+ in Stats I and an A- in Social Psych. I'm basically averaging between a 77-84, which by all means are pretty decent university grades, however the odds are stacked against me and I must excel in order to succeed. Over 2000 students in psych, 300 of which will be accepted to the graduate program of which only FIFTEEN, yes 15, make it into the clinical psychology field. Pretty scary odds and I need to be one of them. So I've got to drop the bullshit, pick up a textbook and get going. So here's to being an A student, cause 85-90 shouldn't be the impossible.

My third resolution is quite self-explanatory, I'm a big spender. On what? no friggin clue. Anyways I have every intention of traveling this summer and that means I need to have some spending money, ironic, I know. In the interim I must make a conscious and strong effort to save as much as possible. I've had a savings account for a while now and I've never put it to good use. Here's the perfect opportunity.

My fourth resolution might as well be an entire blogpost of its own but for the sake of not beating a dead dog, its been quite obvious that my life has been rather BLAH lately. In hopes of spicing it up and enjoying the so-called "best years of my life" I will make an effort to improve me. Physically - I need to get into shape, round is not a good shape. Mentally - figure out my neuroses and a way to get past them. Emotionally - perhaps kindle a flame or at least deal with my roller coasters.

My fifth resolution will in fact be saved for a future blogpost because I am obviously still unsure of what I will do in the next 364 days that will constitute making a difference. But be sure that when I do something of great importance, it will be well-documented.

Here's to 2009 - May it be all that I've dreamed it could be.

I'm Sorry

So I keep putting the blog post off because I keep telling myself I'll get around to it.. Sadly though like everything else in my life, I can't seem to ever catch up.

For weeks I've been telling myself I'll catch up on tv, movies, family time, sleep, and my casual reading among many of my other favorite leisure activities during these few weeks of vacation, well I'm almost 1/3 of the way through and have yet to accomplish any 'catching up'.

I just feel like I let so many opportunities in my life slide by because I assume I'll be given the same opportunity later on at a more convenient time or that I'll be able to catch up with it later... Naturally, life is far more complex and has other plans that prevent me from making right on my assumptions. Maybe I truly am missing out on life's great moments...

That being said I won't be one of those catch-up people anymore life is too short and I need to live each day through. I can't keep thinking I'll live today sometime next week when I'm a little less busy. It kind of defeats the purpose of living in the moment, don't you agree??

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Ask, Won't Tell. Don't Ask, Won't Say. I'll Be Fine When It's Over. Trust

The words to the feelings I have are inexpressible, ground up into the deepest tracks of my system, refusing to give up their sources. I sit alone, confused, in a deep, dark place of inexplicability, deeper, deeper, dug.

No desire to be six feet under, but even less will to be 5 foot 5 above. Goes on life, without me, unstoppable powers, time is weary, so am I. Make it stop, stop the clock.

Afraid to feel, even more of getting hurt. Cut off, only shoulders drenched with tears available, the only pain I feel. Others, only of others. Never of my own, a wounded heart brought to the brink and back. Fix me. Save me. Wake me.

Classes go by, a week or so gone, skipped. Lost. As am I. liquid surprises, nothing concrete. As always, busy, too busy. Save me. Please. Busy. Story of my life. Where’s everyone? Here. For you, not. Yes. No. sleep time. Please…?

Empty words. Filled with sarcasm. The pain builds, I’m in deeper. Love, it’s only love. Physicalities are impossible. See it, don’t you see. Want, so bad, unreal, it is. My hand, grab. Falling. Catch it. my head hurts, better. Kiss, yes. No. please. Fine.

Strings of words. Sense, of course, why?, none. Further, fall, further, deep. This is me. Save me please. 

I Am No Longer Bored (Unfortunately It's Too Temporary)

Somewhere along the lines I've lost the ability to have fun on my own... Now I know that sounds dirty in some uber soft porn kind of way but I'm talking about that boring life that has recently overpowered my will to be social..

In recent days; however, I've had nothing but fun with V back in town... Its like all the pieces of my life have finally fallen back into place and make sense again... I hate that my anchor is in Boston but I couldn't be more proud that dreams sometimes come true.

I guess what it all comes down to is that she's there and I'm here and somehow I need to get my life back together... I guess I've just been scared this whole time thinking that in moving on and making friends I'd lose her... But now I know better after everything we've been through and done together since my trip to Boston I'd have to be crazy to think that best friendship like ours could dissolve so easily...

Now if only I knew where to start.
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The Rut I Call Home

So I've pretty much stopped posting about the relevant issues in my life and focused more on the irrelevant, I tend to do that when I get sick of focusing on myself so here is a sincere attempt to regain focus on the topics that the Psych Patient Profiles were supposed to be about. 

Lately I've been wondering what my life would be like if retrospect came first. I mean, what if we had the chance to see the consequences of our actions before we did anything? Would life be more enjoyable? less enjoyable? or any different? 

I guess I've been questioning a lot of the decisions I've made in my life:

drop a friend, pick a few friends up, drive around the city for no apparent reason, skip a class. eat an extra meal, sneak an extra snack, spend ridiculously, rat myself out, make impulsive decisions, start a fight, provoke a parent, piss off a sibling, watch too much tv, ignore my homework, put off sleep, you know... the usual. I guess I've been wondering if I've made the right decisions or if I've mostly made the wrong ones.

This all comes in light of receiving a higher credit line, spending more than I can afford and wanting to spend even more. Now I'm not working myself into a hole, because with an extra two weeks I'd be able to pay it all off, but what is it about money that makes all the lines get fuzzy, blurry and disappear like the sun sets over the hill? 

I've been hanging onto things I don't have... reaching for things I dont see but most of all wanting what I simply cant have... and it sucks. Bottom of the wallowing in self-pity pitt is not a cool place to hang out for long periods of time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been super down lately. Happy to be by myself yet miserable at the same time, no desire to make plans, yet wanting to be out and doing something fun and exciting. I've resumed living in my rut, the most comforting place in the world.

In my rut, no one can hurt me, phase me, touch me, excite me, encourage me, convince me or betray me. I am on my own, so very alone. The comfort of it all is just too tempting sometimes. Yet there's always that big part of me that fights for it, when that tiny little part claws to get out more, see my friends, experience life and get hurt trying to have fun. 

Lately, I just dont have the energy, I dont have the passion for life or the determination to get from one day to the next. 

A class skipped is a few extra hours of sleep. An extra hour of TV is a postponed hour of work and thereby a postponed hour of sleep. I'm in a cycle I just cant break, I'm too comfortable here but scared I'll get stuck. After all, that's why it's called a rut. 

There's a reason why there's an expression about life in the fastlane that I don't know the words to... I wouldnt know what life in the fast lane is like, I'm happy to hang onto the shoulder of the road and never move forward. I'm not scared, I just dont like change. Change has just never worked in my favor. Ever.

So here's to embracing life, escaping my rut, taking chances, making mistakes, and forgetting about pre-retrospect options ever existing. Life should be worthwhile and I'm determined to make it so.

My One and Only

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there

Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares

Someone to love with my life in their hands

There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own

And everyone wants to know they're not alone

There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere

There's gotta be somebody for me out there.

- Nickelback - Gotta Be Somebody

Alright... so you're probably thinking this is going to be a boring post about how I wish I had a girlfriend or something, but you're  WRONG, muahaha epic fail for you.

Really... I've always believed the Canadian rock band Nickelback has seriously been underrated for years! I've loved them for a couple cds now and they never fail to come out with at least one decent top 40 chart song that I never get bored of. 

The powerful lyrics, packaged nicely with a strong rock beat that is soothing enough to impact everyone is what gets me each and every time. 

These lyrics, however, strike a rather atypical chord this time around (obviously they hit home, and HARD like a concrete wall, hard) but that's not what I'm talking about.

These lyrics remind me of my grandma, (for those who dont know, my only living grandparent and my maternal grandmother at that). Now for those of you who dont know Grandma Helen, as she is affectionately referred to in our family, she is by far the most sinister, cynical, negative, pessimistic, hilarious and sarcastic individual you have EVER met. This combination however makes her so undeniably lovable and hilarious that I often find myself in awe of how she hasn't been gunned down like Fitty. 

Honestly though, my grams has serious reason to be the way she is. Growing up on a successful farm in New Brunswick, can you say BOOORING? Her family moved to Montreal, where my great grandfather did something real estate related and was fairly successful. Along the lines she met my grandfather who had a successful job that apparently had no ceiling effect because he just kept cashing in. She then gave birth to 4 children, my aunt Carla who was a miserable child and hated everyone and everything unless it was ugly - she loved ugliness lol - go figure, she's supa classy now though, so it all worked out. My aunt Bernette Jane Krane - the ultimate spaz, how could she not be with a rhyming name? We call her Bonnie to make her feel better - or I call her Aunt B, for Aunt Bitch, can't stand the fucker. Then there's my mom, and my Uncle Steven, who if you don't know about Stevie then you haven't quite laughed hard enough to pee your pants. He is possibly the most ridiculous person you've EVER met. All about jokes and games, he happens to be a brilliant entrepreneur and company start-up, he's gotta crazy ADHD which is pretty much why he just does the start-up, follow through on anything but a joke, is not for him.

Anyways, that all sounds fine and dandy, which it is, except that my super successful grandfather died of Cancer about 23 years ago, leaving my grandmother utterly alone in this pretty depressing world... She obviously loved my grandfather very much cause she only dated one other person, who by the way had a heart attack during their date, and she then resolved to never dating ever, ever, ever again. And has stuck to that since. She's been alone for 23 years now.

Now my grandmother is a remarkable woman. She raised four children who love her to the ends of the world and back. She has 8 biological grandchildren, 1 step-grandchild, and 1 grandchildren-in law, 1 step-grandchild-in lawas well as 1 biological great grandchild and 1 step-great grandchild who all love her dearly and would do just about anything in the world for her.

When Aunt B divorced Husband #1, grandma took in her daughter, my cousin, Jennifer and raised her for 3 years. If that isn't love, I dont know what is.

My grandmother is a determined, stubborn and compassionate person. She volunteered at the Golden Age for nearly 15 years, golf was her passion until the back pain set in.

Everything my grandmother loves has been taken away from her except her children and their children and their children. Her husband, her love of golf, her love of sculpting, her love of volunteering, even her health (diabetic, lactose intolerant, high blood pressure, cataracts, arthritis, etc.) Yet, somehow, every day she wakes up and manages to get through life. Pessimism, cynicism, and negativity aside, my grandmother is amazing and I love her for every part of it. 

As hard as it would have been to accept, I sometimes wish that she had found someone to be by her side for the past 23 years of her life. It must have been awfully lonely for her and I'm pained each day when I think of how difficult life must be to wake up, live each day, and go to bed utterly alone.

It's heart warming to know that my grandmother loved my grandfather so much that she was willing to give up the better years of her life alone as a testament of her true love... it just breaks my heart knowing that she was probably miserable because of it.

I guess it explains why I've tried my absolute best to be there for her, to remind her how much she's loved and cherished by her family and to ensure that a day doesnt go by that she feels so alone. 

So thank you Nickelback for putting into words the way I feel for my grandmother, until now I've never been able to capture them so perfectly.

Just Another Pissed Off Rant

"You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you, how many moments of other peoples lives have we been in, we're we a part of someone's life when their dreams came true, or were we there when their dreams died. Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there, or did the shot take us by surprise. Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it."

There's something about this idea that struck me as so... so I dont even know... profound. I mean really.. we all sit here and complain about how China is taking over the world and how the United States are this power house of a country but in reality those statements are just our way of expressing the feeling that we're all interconnected in some crazy uber globalization phenomenon. On more than one occassion I've been in an entirely different country, 1/4 of the way across the globe and ran into someone I know. Or how many times have I gone to NYC for a weekend, and ran into Montrealers doing the same thing? We all like to believe that the world is this big, huge place where we can run away when things get hard, dark or just plain boring. But it's not that... the people we know are everywhere. MSN is an instant conversation at any point in time at any location. Cellphones enable us to be anywhere in the entire world and remain accessible irregardless of how far from home we may be. Planes allow us to jet across the world in less than 24 hours. 

We no longer miss events because of distance, time or even money. There's no such thing as missing the news broad cast at 6 pm because we were stuck in traffic on the intercity highways, trains, buses, etc. No matter where we are, we're accessible, in communication and findable. There's no running away. There's no escape. We're stuck in this big bubble of people we know, places we can all be, and things we can all do. There are no limitations, no boundaries, no dreams, even. 

Everything is attainable which is making the world of infinite possibilities, opportunities and chances become so boring. Life is so boring when everything is at the tip of your fingers, no reaching just a little bit further to get what we want. Whatever happened to "making it big", that just doesn't exist anymore. The small town heroes that you see on television don't exist. Those people have been obliterated, they're just like you and me, in less fortunate neighborhoods, but irregardlessly still capable of just as much as I or you.

There's no longer a middle-class, we're all middle-class, yeah the upper crust remains, and the poor exist only as a boundary for those who are too poor to afford anything but a cardboard box. Those aren't distinctions, those don't set us apart, in fact they bring us together even more. The smaller the dividing line, the closer we are to one another.

So do I ever wonder how many people's lives I've touched or how many people's picture backgrounds I've made it into? Yeah sure, but I can definitively say tons, we're not in Kansas anymore, we're everywhere.