I Am No Longer Bored (Unfortunately It's Too Temporary)

Somewhere along the lines I've lost the ability to have fun on my own... Now I know that sounds dirty in some uber soft porn kind of way but I'm talking about that boring life that has recently overpowered my will to be social..

In recent days; however, I've had nothing but fun with V back in town... Its like all the pieces of my life have finally fallen back into place and make sense again... I hate that my anchor is in Boston but I couldn't be more proud that dreams sometimes come true.

I guess what it all comes down to is that she's there and I'm here and somehow I need to get my life back together... I guess I've just been scared this whole time thinking that in moving on and making friends I'd lose her... But now I know better after everything we've been through and done together since my trip to Boston I'd have to be crazy to think that best friendship like ours could dissolve so easily...

Now if only I knew where to start.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Thanks To All My People, You Know Who You Are!

Long car rides tend to get me thinking, 5 hours each way to Boston back and forth, was more than plenty of time for the mechanics in my brain to get the machines all fired up. A song I listened to tonight struck a chord inside:

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song

But now I know the meaning of true love

I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

See I was on the verge of breaking down

Some times silence can seem so loud

There are miracles in life I must achieve

But first I know it starts inside of me

For so many years, I felt alone, lost and confused. Friends seemed to come and go like my daily change of underwear, forcing me to constantly re-evaluate my ideals, my beliefs, my expectations. I always wondered if it was me, what did I do wrong? Was it some odd personality thing that pushed people away? What was it about me that was so friend-repulsant? That was all until I found friendship, in the most unlikely of people, in the most unlikely of places, under the most unlikely of circumstances. 

That's when I began to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel wanted, to feel important, to feel like I mattered to someone, somewhere, in some place. There's really no feeling in the world, like feeling that you make a difference to someone, that by simply existing, you make someone's world a little brighter, a little more special, a little more worth living. And finally, I had found the people that did that for me. 

I was so set for so long on the idea that it was me who was at fault that I felt alone, so utterly alone, like a piercing silence that screams at you like a tornado slicing a house apart. A silence, so unbearably loud, that it yelled in your face with nasty breath every chance it could get. It was brutal and I'm honestly so glad to say it's been over since then, without a chance of returning. 

Now that I'm older, more confident in who I am, set in my ways and more sure than myself than is probably acceptable, I no longer worry about being alone in this world, I know that I can make new friends, try and improve on the old relationships and work hard to cultivate new ones. It's up to me to take a stand on my own life, not anyone else, that's a lesson I learned the hard way, but one that I'm nevertheless glad I learned in good time.

So here's a thank you to my friends, the one's who keep me sane, smiling and complete. You all know who you are.

My Three Lovers

There is not a single person in this world who loves me unconditionally... that's why I have my cats.

As I walked down the hall to my bathroom and the two sleeping tails perked up, yawning, stretching, ever so slowly, followed me into the bathroom it suddenly dawned on me. My cats are the only 'people' who love me unconditionally. Allow me to explain.

Post-dinner I go to the bathroom what? 4-5 times a night? Irregardless of which bathroom I choose, there's always a cat that accompanies me there. Furthermore, I -know- that before I slam the door shut I have to let it linger for an extra split second so that a fuzzy tail doesn't getting accidentally caught between the wooden frame and the hunk of wood that keeps the rest of the world out of my intimate experience. It's like second nature to me... and as the door shuts and one of my three babies nuzzles my leg with his warm body, I feel loved. It's just the way it is.

It's also like how last night as I cried myself to sleep, snuggled against my pillows acting as replacements for the loneliness of a single person in a twin bed... Lucky rested his head on my pillow next to my own and put his paw on my shoulder. I'm sure it was accidental, too perfectly staged for me to even claim that it was like poetic redemption. But it's in moments like that that I feel loved, that some higher power knows I need comfort, someone to love me irregardless of my flaws, my faults and my erratic behavior. 

It's in the way Oliver guards my door when I'm doing homework, and in the way Lucky jumps on my lap while I'm watching TV or in the way J.C. nonchalantly caresses my leg while I'm on my laptop in an attempt to distract me from my screen and force me to pay attention to his itchy ears. Oliver just KNOWS that when I watch TV in the den and he sits behind my head on the couch, I'll instinctively pet him for the 3.5 minute commercial break - I dont even need to check if he's there, I raise my hand and I'm instantly met with the redness of his fur. It's the same way when mid-slumber I accidentally ram my leg into the middle of J.C.'s back while he so peacefully sleeps and he knows that it wasn't out of malice so he jumps off my bed and waits for me to get comfortable and fall back asleep before he jumps back on the bed and leaves me with ample room to thrash about. It's the same way Lucky watches me get into bed and immediately snuggles in next to my shoulder after I've doubled the pillows behind my head, leaving a corner for him to sleep. 

We just work. We adjust to each other's presences without even acknowledging each other's presences. We love each other regardless of the stress of the day, the attitudal moodiness and the irritability we've shown others. These are my three boys. The boys who love me unconditionally, without hesitation. So big deal if I become the crazy cat lady, at least I'm loved.