Ask, Won't Tell. Don't Ask, Won't Say. I'll Be Fine When It's Over. Trust

The words to the feelings I have are inexpressible, ground up into the deepest tracks of my system, refusing to give up their sources. I sit alone, confused, in a deep, dark place of inexplicability, deeper, deeper, dug.

No desire to be six feet under, but even less will to be 5 foot 5 above. Goes on life, without me, unstoppable powers, time is weary, so am I. Make it stop, stop the clock.

Afraid to feel, even more of getting hurt. Cut off, only shoulders drenched with tears available, the only pain I feel. Others, only of others. Never of my own, a wounded heart brought to the brink and back. Fix me. Save me. Wake me.

Classes go by, a week or so gone, skipped. Lost. As am I. liquid surprises, nothing concrete. As always, busy, too busy. Save me. Please. Busy. Story of my life. Where’s everyone? Here. For you, not. Yes. No. sleep time. Please…?

Empty words. Filled with sarcasm. The pain builds, I’m in deeper. Love, it’s only love. Physicalities are impossible. See it, don’t you see. Want, so bad, unreal, it is. My hand, grab. Falling. Catch it. my head hurts, better. Kiss, yes. No. please. Fine.

Strings of words. Sense, of course, why?, none. Further, fall, further, deep. This is me. Save me please. 

I Am No Longer Bored (Unfortunately It's Too Temporary)

Somewhere along the lines I've lost the ability to have fun on my own... Now I know that sounds dirty in some uber soft porn kind of way but I'm talking about that boring life that has recently overpowered my will to be social..

In recent days; however, I've had nothing but fun with V back in town... Its like all the pieces of my life have finally fallen back into place and make sense again... I hate that my anchor is in Boston but I couldn't be more proud that dreams sometimes come true.

I guess what it all comes down to is that she's there and I'm here and somehow I need to get my life back together... I guess I've just been scared this whole time thinking that in moving on and making friends I'd lose her... But now I know better after everything we've been through and done together since my trip to Boston I'd have to be crazy to think that best friendship like ours could dissolve so easily...

Now if only I knew where to start.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

The Rut I Call Home

So I've pretty much stopped posting about the relevant issues in my life and focused more on the irrelevant, I tend to do that when I get sick of focusing on myself so here is a sincere attempt to regain focus on the topics that the Psych Patient Profiles were supposed to be about. 

Lately I've been wondering what my life would be like if retrospect came first. I mean, what if we had the chance to see the consequences of our actions before we did anything? Would life be more enjoyable? less enjoyable? or any different? 

I guess I've been questioning a lot of the decisions I've made in my life:

drop a friend, pick a few friends up, drive around the city for no apparent reason, skip a class. eat an extra meal, sneak an extra snack, spend ridiculously, rat myself out, make impulsive decisions, start a fight, provoke a parent, piss off a sibling, watch too much tv, ignore my homework, put off sleep, you know... the usual. I guess I've been wondering if I've made the right decisions or if I've mostly made the wrong ones.

This all comes in light of receiving a higher credit line, spending more than I can afford and wanting to spend even more. Now I'm not working myself into a hole, because with an extra two weeks I'd be able to pay it all off, but what is it about money that makes all the lines get fuzzy, blurry and disappear like the sun sets over the hill? 

I've been hanging onto things I don't have... reaching for things I dont see but most of all wanting what I simply cant have... and it sucks. Bottom of the wallowing in self-pity pitt is not a cool place to hang out for long periods of time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been super down lately. Happy to be by myself yet miserable at the same time, no desire to make plans, yet wanting to be out and doing something fun and exciting. I've resumed living in my rut, the most comforting place in the world.

In my rut, no one can hurt me, phase me, touch me, excite me, encourage me, convince me or betray me. I am on my own, so very alone. The comfort of it all is just too tempting sometimes. Yet there's always that big part of me that fights for it, when that tiny little part claws to get out more, see my friends, experience life and get hurt trying to have fun. 

Lately, I just dont have the energy, I dont have the passion for life or the determination to get from one day to the next. 

A class skipped is a few extra hours of sleep. An extra hour of TV is a postponed hour of work and thereby a postponed hour of sleep. I'm in a cycle I just cant break, I'm too comfortable here but scared I'll get stuck. After all, that's why it's called a rut. 

There's a reason why there's an expression about life in the fastlane that I don't know the words to... I wouldnt know what life in the fast lane is like, I'm happy to hang onto the shoulder of the road and never move forward. I'm not scared, I just dont like change. Change has just never worked in my favor. Ever.

So here's to embracing life, escaping my rut, taking chances, making mistakes, and forgetting about pre-retrospect options ever existing. Life should be worthwhile and I'm determined to make it so.

Online Friends, Brothers

Online Friends

There's a land where I go when I need to share

That's not on a map, yet exists everywhere.

There's names without faces, a curious place

A modern creation thats called cyber-space

Theres all sorts of people with cute little names

Like Pookie, and Sandman and Rosebud and Flames.

Some are just snobs and some are real fun

And some of them just want to find someone.

The good and the bad ones, they all play a role.

Still each one unique, but part of the whole.

We talk and we laugh and wonder "Why?".

We giggle, we hug, and sometimes we cry.

We can not be heard and can not be seen.

Yet, there it all is, right there on our screen.

But look deeper still -- the most curious part

Is the power it has to open our heart.

To share with a stranger those things we've concealed,

Which to our closest of friends we'd never reveal.

Our deepest regrets and most troubling fears

The scars in our life which bring us to tears.

What gives them the power to reach into me

And show me the truths that I never see.

This must have been planned by a god from above.

There's no place on earth giving this type of love.

When we need some direction we know we can find

A friendship to nurture just waiting online.

Author: Unknown.

So.. some of you may know that I play an online game called Utopia, on the World of Legends server hosted by Swirve Games.... Now none of that is very exciting and I wont bother delving into the games deets because quite frankly its boring to explain. I've been playing for like 5-6 years now, and I love it to death.

The reason why I'm blogging about the game is not the way it eats up my time, nor my love and devotion for it, but rather the friends I've made while playing it.

Now, honestly, save for one, I've never met these people, but their online company and our long chats about endless topics have made me laugh, smile and flustered... My online boys, are like the big brothers I've never had, all in different countries, some even just 30 mins away, but always super protective of me, and at my rescue whenever I need them. Computer problems, Spanish homework, serial codes, game cheats, even some good advice. These guys are special. They're there for me 100% of the time, although all of them have ditched the game, grown up, found girlfriends and tried to move on with their lives, these past few days we've reconnected and it's amazing how strong our friendships remained.

Without fail, they can recount the names of my friends, the classes I've taken, the courses I hated, the programs and schools where I considered studying. They truly listen and care about what I talk about, and I am forever indebted to them. 

And although, they no longer play the game that keeps me up late at night and sane by day, I've made new friends, not as wonderful as "My Boys" but nevertheless fabulous people who I cant wait to get to know better. They seem like a great bunch of guys who will give me a run for my money, and I can't wait for the challenge.

So this is a shoutout to V, M, A and S. My boys who have seen me through it all, and who have stuck by my side for 4 years now. You guys are everything to me. Thank you.

When Words Aren't Enough

It's sometimes too hard to fit the words all onto one line,

into one meaning, into one look, into one embrace.

It's sometimes too hard to say what you feel,

all in one way, all in one look, all in one frown.

But sometimes you find that one person, 

the one person who requires no words,

no expression of your feelings, no looks, no embraces.

Just knows you, and appreciates you for who you are.

That one person is worth hanging onto. No matter what,

no matter why, no matter when, always.

Thanks To All My People, You Know Who You Are!

Long car rides tend to get me thinking, 5 hours each way to Boston back and forth, was more than plenty of time for the mechanics in my brain to get the machines all fired up. A song I listened to tonight struck a chord inside:

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song

But now I know the meaning of true love

I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

See I was on the verge of breaking down

Some times silence can seem so loud

There are miracles in life I must achieve

But first I know it starts inside of me

For so many years, I felt alone, lost and confused. Friends seemed to come and go like my daily change of underwear, forcing me to constantly re-evaluate my ideals, my beliefs, my expectations. I always wondered if it was me, what did I do wrong? Was it some odd personality thing that pushed people away? What was it about me that was so friend-repulsant? That was all until I found friendship, in the most unlikely of people, in the most unlikely of places, under the most unlikely of circumstances. 

That's when I began to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel wanted, to feel important, to feel like I mattered to someone, somewhere, in some place. There's really no feeling in the world, like feeling that you make a difference to someone, that by simply existing, you make someone's world a little brighter, a little more special, a little more worth living. And finally, I had found the people that did that for me. 

I was so set for so long on the idea that it was me who was at fault that I felt alone, so utterly alone, like a piercing silence that screams at you like a tornado slicing a house apart. A silence, so unbearably loud, that it yelled in your face with nasty breath every chance it could get. It was brutal and I'm honestly so glad to say it's been over since then, without a chance of returning. 

Now that I'm older, more confident in who I am, set in my ways and more sure than myself than is probably acceptable, I no longer worry about being alone in this world, I know that I can make new friends, try and improve on the old relationships and work hard to cultivate new ones. It's up to me to take a stand on my own life, not anyone else, that's a lesson I learned the hard way, but one that I'm nevertheless glad I learned in good time.

So here's a thank you to my friends, the one's who keep me sane, smiling and complete. You all know who you are.