Let Me By Myself

3 Doors Down has always been one of my favorite bands. Their lyrics have always inexplicably paralleled my life, leaving me feeling reassured that someone else (or a group of someone else's) identifies with me and my feelings. Their latest hit Let Me Be Myself is the epitome of what I have been feeling lately.

I tried to kill the pain,
But nothing ever helps,
I left myself behind,
Somewhere along the way,
Hoping to come back around to find myself someday.

Their introductory verse hits me hard and center. I've had these weird feelings lately, whereas I'm usually so sure of myself; what I want, need and wish for, lately, I've been uneasy and insecure. I've felt lost and confused and unstable. Feelings I've NEVER truly felt for longer than a few hours. It rocked me a bit, and I'll be honest and say I'm not entirely sure I've re-stabilized.

This song really explains the words I haven't been able to convey. I've given up a large part of myself by living a life I didn't want, a life I threw myself into without thinking it through. I made friends with a lot of people I shouldn't have, wasted my time caring about people who didn't care about me. I did things I would never have done otherwise. I made my mistakes, they weakened me, the person I should have been. From then on, my life has been intensively harder for no apparent reason. My core was shaken, displaced and I was left in unknown territory, expected to make do. Thankfully I have made do.

That all seems fine and wondrous, so what's the problem? I constantly question whether my current life is only the best I can achieve because I messed up or is this the best of what I was meant to experience? I don't understand why, when and how I got here and whether this is where I should truly be. Did I leave myself behind, somewhere along the way, hoping to come around and find myself someday?