The Rut I Call Home

So I've pretty much stopped posting about the relevant issues in my life and focused more on the irrelevant, I tend to do that when I get sick of focusing on myself so here is a sincere attempt to regain focus on the topics that the Psych Patient Profiles were supposed to be about. 

Lately I've been wondering what my life would be like if retrospect came first. I mean, what if we had the chance to see the consequences of our actions before we did anything? Would life be more enjoyable? less enjoyable? or any different? 

I guess I've been questioning a lot of the decisions I've made in my life:

drop a friend, pick a few friends up, drive around the city for no apparent reason, skip a class. eat an extra meal, sneak an extra snack, spend ridiculously, rat myself out, make impulsive decisions, start a fight, provoke a parent, piss off a sibling, watch too much tv, ignore my homework, put off sleep, you know... the usual. I guess I've been wondering if I've made the right decisions or if I've mostly made the wrong ones.

This all comes in light of receiving a higher credit line, spending more than I can afford and wanting to spend even more. Now I'm not working myself into a hole, because with an extra two weeks I'd be able to pay it all off, but what is it about money that makes all the lines get fuzzy, blurry and disappear like the sun sets over the hill? 

I've been hanging onto things I don't have... reaching for things I dont see but most of all wanting what I simply cant have... and it sucks. Bottom of the wallowing in self-pity pitt is not a cool place to hang out for long periods of time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been super down lately. Happy to be by myself yet miserable at the same time, no desire to make plans, yet wanting to be out and doing something fun and exciting. I've resumed living in my rut, the most comforting place in the world.

In my rut, no one can hurt me, phase me, touch me, excite me, encourage me, convince me or betray me. I am on my own, so very alone. The comfort of it all is just too tempting sometimes. Yet there's always that big part of me that fights for it, when that tiny little part claws to get out more, see my friends, experience life and get hurt trying to have fun. 

Lately, I just dont have the energy, I dont have the passion for life or the determination to get from one day to the next. 

A class skipped is a few extra hours of sleep. An extra hour of TV is a postponed hour of work and thereby a postponed hour of sleep. I'm in a cycle I just cant break, I'm too comfortable here but scared I'll get stuck. After all, that's why it's called a rut. 

There's a reason why there's an expression about life in the fastlane that I don't know the words to... I wouldnt know what life in the fast lane is like, I'm happy to hang onto the shoulder of the road and never move forward. I'm not scared, I just dont like change. Change has just never worked in my favor. Ever.

So here's to embracing life, escaping my rut, taking chances, making mistakes, and forgetting about pre-retrospect options ever existing. Life should be worthwhile and I'm determined to make it so.