Thanks To All My People, You Know Who You Are!

Long car rides tend to get me thinking, 5 hours each way to Boston back and forth, was more than plenty of time for the mechanics in my brain to get the machines all fired up. A song I listened to tonight struck a chord inside:

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song

But now I know the meaning of true love

I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

See I was on the verge of breaking down

Some times silence can seem so loud

There are miracles in life I must achieve

But first I know it starts inside of me

For so many years, I felt alone, lost and confused. Friends seemed to come and go like my daily change of underwear, forcing me to constantly re-evaluate my ideals, my beliefs, my expectations. I always wondered if it was me, what did I do wrong? Was it some odd personality thing that pushed people away? What was it about me that was so friend-repulsant? That was all until I found friendship, in the most unlikely of people, in the most unlikely of places, under the most unlikely of circumstances. 

That's when I began to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel wanted, to feel important, to feel like I mattered to someone, somewhere, in some place. There's really no feeling in the world, like feeling that you make a difference to someone, that by simply existing, you make someone's world a little brighter, a little more special, a little more worth living. And finally, I had found the people that did that for me. 

I was so set for so long on the idea that it was me who was at fault that I felt alone, so utterly alone, like a piercing silence that screams at you like a tornado slicing a house apart. A silence, so unbearably loud, that it yelled in your face with nasty breath every chance it could get. It was brutal and I'm honestly so glad to say it's been over since then, without a chance of returning. 

Now that I'm older, more confident in who I am, set in my ways and more sure than myself than is probably acceptable, I no longer worry about being alone in this world, I know that I can make new friends, try and improve on the old relationships and work hard to cultivate new ones. It's up to me to take a stand on my own life, not anyone else, that's a lesson I learned the hard way, but one that I'm nevertheless glad I learned in good time.

So here's a thank you to my friends, the one's who keep me sane, smiling and complete. You all know who you are.